7 Problems I have with the Hobbit (just off the top of my head)

ONE MILLION SPOILERS, IF ANYTHING IS UNSPOILED PLEASE EMAIL ME SO I CAN SPOIL THAT TOO.

#1. It’s way too long

Guys, it’s way too long. Like I can’t believe there’ll be an extended cut, because what could possibly have not made the ut for the theater release? I remember there’s a scene where the characters are just rolling around on an obvious green screen stage while CGI giants punch each other in the face in the background.

Let me get this straight, Peter Jackson, you cut Tom Bombadil (and rightfully so) but you keep the battling Storm Giants? I don’t get your directorial decisions sometimes, man.

There’s just a lot of dead weight in this movie which I suspect could be edited down to a 2-3 hour movie rather than three 3 hour movies. Guys, there’s an entire plot line that involves Legolas and Tauriel going North to see the place where Legolas’s mom died, then coming back with no additional information or character development. It just happens.

Also there’s a lot of Legolas stuff in general that doesn’t really matter, but I’ll get more into that.

#2. Who the hell are these dwarves?

After watching the Hobbit it seems like Gimli is the worst dwarf in the world. Each dwarf in the Hobbit is like a Legolas of dwarves, and casually perform feats that really surpass anything Gimli did. There’s the scene where they’re washing dishes which turns into a superhuman feat of coordination and dexterity.

There’s every time they fight. Why do they bother running from orcs and goblins when it’s clear that they can cut down orcs and goblins with ease? Seriously, I remember realizing that killing a CGI orc just doesn’t mean anything anymore after watching this movie. It undercut all the tension from the movies.

Take the barrel scene. They ride down a river in barrels while effortless slaughtering I assume 50 to 60 orcs. The movie is even self-aware in that respect! There’s a scene in the third movie where two characters look off screen and say, “There’s a hundred goblins, should be easy.” The next scene the goblins are all gone. The two characters killed 100 goblins, guys.

#3. Legolas

I get it, Peter Jackson’s Movie Team, you love Legolas. Seriously, you love him. You’ll love him till the Sun burns out and all life on this world is gone.

I saw it in the Lord of the Rings where Legolas was seriously just better than everyone. He could run on snow. He could kill 1,000 orcs while skateboarding on a shield and he could solo an oliphant. Legolas of the Infinite Arrows was just… so … cool.

So I’m not surprised he shows up in the Hobbit and, if anything, is more powerful? If so that implies a drop off in power by the time of Lord of the Rings. Obviously there has to be some drama right?

So they create some drama. Legolas is in conflict with his dad, the King Fabulous, because King Fabulous is afraid Legolas is in love with the Original Character, Tauriel, but Tauriel is in love with … I want to say Kili? It doesn’t matter. No, seriously guys, it doesn’t matter.

There’s a scene in the second Hobbit movie where Legolas, in a very Hong Kong kung fu movie situation, takes on a ton of orcs and kills like all of them but one. Then in the third Hobbit movie he performs some straight up magic walking on air stuff while battling that same orc that escaped previously.

Oh and that orc kills Kili, probably. Because Tauriel has to be sad guys.

Like 45 percent of this movie is about two characters who aren’t even in the novel. Even King Fabulous can’t save this plotline and he IS this plotline.

Oh and Legolas and Tauriel are like some kind of super parkour gymnasts.

Though you know what’s interesting? Outside of Tauriel, Legolas, and King Fabulous, elves don’t really seem to be that great at fighting. They’re awesome at walking drills and coordinated movements on a mass scale, but really aren’t nearly as good as those three. It’s hard to figure out what’s going on in universe other than the royal bloodlines are just more potent than the commoner bloodlines? That would kind of jive with Tolkien. Oh! Perhaps 99% of the Elves left on Middle Earth are like 4th or 5th generation elves and, like in World of Darkness, that makes them way weaker.

#4. Tauriel

She gets her own section guys. Here’s the thing, I actually like Tauriel. I find her way less annoying than Arwen, and she’s an even more blatant attempt to cram a character into someplace where they’d be relevant. I think what bothered me about Arwen is that they kept trying to say, “She totally matters guys, look how much she matters guys. Guys.” And I’m like… dude, ARARGORNAN son of ARATHORNORNON, did you seriously just have a fake out death scene so you could dream about your girlfriend and make out with your horse?

Tauriel at least could, you know, go places. The romance stuff didn’t work because romances never work in Tolkien? I don’t know. All I know is that Legolas being into her felt totally forced, and her being totally into Kili felt forced too. Everything felt forced.

And then there’s the part where Tauriel, who is basically Legolas Mark 2, gets beat up by an orc and then watches her dwarf boyfriend die. First off, how did that happen? How did any orc manage to even slow down a Legolas level elf? As far as I can tell there’s some serious Hand of Plot going on there and that annoys me because the movie is like, “Isn’t this so moving guys? Guys? Are you crying? I can’t see you so you’ll have to tell me, I’m a movie.”

And anyone expected that to work? Then Tauriel asks King Fabulous about love and nothing matters ever again.

#5. Beorn

Thanks for including the Big B-man. He was always my favorite character and I was always sad he never showed up in the Lord of the Rings books. Who is Beorn? He’s like this giant guy who lives in a pretty sweet mansion who can turn into a giant bear.

That’s pretty much his entire jam, guys. He’s a were-bear guy. And he shows up at the Battle of the Fives Armies, I assume counting as one army himself.

So you keep Storm Giants punching each other, and twenty minutes of wide landscape shots where nothing happens, and include a chase scene outside of Rivendell which also doesn’t amount to anything or matter, but you CUT OUT ALL BEORN STUFF?

Look, I get it, Beorn is silly in the novels. He’s sort of a more sane Tom Bombadil, but guys, Beorn actually does stuff that matters in the books.

And then they make Beorn all grim and dark and Wolverine. Tortured past! Hates orcs! Used to be enslaved!

Whaaa? Like Beorn gets the biggest character alteration since… hmmm. I want to say since Arwen?

And he shows up at the Battle of the Five Armies. Possibly. It’s unclear because it clearly doesn’t matter to the movie makers.

“We need 70 minutes of Legolas for this movie to work! Cut all that irrelevant Beorn stuff!”

-the Movie

#6. The Battle of the Five Hours

The Battle of the Five Armies, which is kind of an awesome super fight at the end of the Hobbit, is the most boring fight in all six Tolkien movies. In-universe it must be like 19 hours long because it feels that way watching it. Let’s watch two CGI armies battle it out and let’s see everyone being cool by killing orcs but it doesn’t matter. Guys, it doesn’t matter.

There’s also a total sidequest where dwarves ride goats up a mountain to kill more orcs and it doesn’t matter. Armies show up and it really doesn’t matter. The weight of it not mattering was dragging my soul down, dudes. It was heavy.

Massive battles are hard to make in film. Sandworms are cool. Computer stuff is cool. I suspect I get the thinking that led people to believe that this boring super fight could be not boring. But it is. Oh my god it is.

The Eagles show up to save us, the Audience, from the Battle. As far as I can tell the fifth army is us, the Audience, and we’re having a real tough time in the fight. Also there are sandworms. Like from Dune.

Beorn is there. For like 5 seconds. Good thing we have all that King Fabulous, otherwise we might have had to have more than 2 minutes of Beorn…

#7. Humans

Humans don’t matter. Humans don’t. Trust me, they do not matter. The Laketowners are basically a refugee camp being fed lettuce by the benevolent Elf White People. Which is extra confusing because King Fabulous was just a super dick to people who needed help in a flashback, so whatever. There’s also like 100 humans in the movie so… yeah, they don’t matter.

Bard also doesn’t want to be king. That I’m just throwing in there because it’s dumb and a waste of time. Bard’s the king after killing the dragon and resettling Dale. Just do it.

But instead we have a human faction that barely qualifies as one of the five armies. In fact, it doesn’t qualify. The movie battle was between orcs, dwarves, elves, and … eagles? It should have been called the Battle of the Three Armies and Eagles and Bats. Oh wait, that’s five…

5 Things I liked about the Hobbit(s)

#1. Thorin

The movies were great at characterizing Thorin and giving some context to things I never really caught on to despite having read the Hobbit. I think the movie was great at making Thorin likable. As a kid I was vaguely aware that Thorin was sort of a king, but in my mind (and in the illustrated version of the Hobbit I had) he just seemed like a short old man with a long gray beard. The movie was good at giving him a dignity and a tragedy that I felt that I missed in the book. I think that was because his entire backstory wasn’t in the book but covered in an appendix, but I’m not sure now.

#2. Casting of Bilbo

Martin Freeman as Bilbo was great casting. Back when I was watching the UK version of The Office I kept calling Martin Freeman’s character a hobbit. I guess I’m a prophet. I’m still used to thinking of the Hobbit as partly from my illustrated novel and partly from that like 70s cartoon where Bilbo was this really fat guy with a huge nose. I like the Freeman interpretation better.

#3. Gandalf’s Boring Work Meeting

There’s this wonderful scene in the Hobbit(s) where Gandalf has to go to a meeting led by Saruman. Saruman just prattles on forever while Gandalf tunes him out and starts texting his girlfriend. And by “texting” I mean he starts telepathically chatting with Galadriel because he’s so bored. It’s pretty sweet and it’s one of those moments where you’re like, oh yeah, meeting suck no matter where you are.

#4. King Fabulous

Legolas’s dad, King Fabulous, was one of my favorite characters of me and the people making the movie but for different reasons I suspect. The moviemakers I feel like were all, “Thranduil is so cool, look at this awesome moose he rides!” And I was all like, “This guy is sooooo fabulous.” King Fabulous was just so ridiculous all the time. When he was being a dick, his dickery was comically off the charts, but then when he was fighting he was an invincible 20th level elf fighter with a war moose animal companion. It’s hard to encapsulate it all, but I’d say he’s just one of those rare characters who shows up, destroys the scenery with his over the top nature, all while the movie says, “Isn’t he cool?”

Basically, King Fabulous is the Jack Reacher of Middle Earth. I kind of wish King Fabulous was the bad guy in Guardians of the Galaxy…

#5. Epic Level Adventuring Party

I loved seeing the Epic Level Adventuring Party (ELAP) get together and do a raid on the Necromancer’s Lair. It was strangely gratifying to see some of the actual powerhouses in Middle Earth do something other than send lackeys to clean up their messes.

For example, movie Elrond, if you had such a problem with Isildur not throwing the Ring into the fire, just take the ring, you’re only a super powerful demi-god half-man half-elf immortal.

Anyway, it was cool for me, and probably just pure fan-service (but you know sometimes fans do want to be serviced), to see Elrond, Saruman, and Galadriel show up and start kicking butt. Then Galadriel went super saiyan and beat the Necromancer, because sure. I’d buy she’s a super saiyan. It does run the risk of making them look a little incompetent in the end, but I admit that in the book the White Circle did take out the Necromancer, so it’s just the action movie version of what happened.

Hobbit 3 vs Jurassic World

SPOILER ALERT: I’M GOING TO SPOIL EVERYTHING YOU EVER LOVED

It’s been months now since I saw the third Hobbit installment. I went and saw The Hobbit 3 with my officemates, just as I did with Jurassic World, so since I disliked both I thought it would be good to compare them.

#1. Dragons

The Hobbit has Smaug. Smaug can fly, breath fire, and speak with the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch. Jurassic World has Indominus Rex. Rex can camouflage its skin to match its surroundings, hide its thermal signature, and communicate with velociraptors.

In a straight up fight, I think it’s a close one. Smaug might actually be bigger than the Rex, but since I don’t think fire would do a lot of damage to the Rex, I think it either Smaug would retreat or it would come down to melee. And in a straight melee I think Rex has the advantage, since Smaug’s immense length doesn’t really give him great close combat capabilities.

In terms of movie annoyance (if we’re just talking the 3rd movie) then I think Smaug wins out. He’s only in the third moie for five to six minutes, in which time he says some evil stuff, burns a town, and dies. He’s killed by one of the characters I dislike the most: Bard of Laketown. At least the Rex (a) shuts up and (b) doesn’t die of its own stupidity.

#2. Cool Dudes

The Cool Dude in the Hobbit is supposed to be Bard of Laketown. I think a big failing on Bard’s part is that the movie is set up such that Bard is acting counter to the audience’s goal. We, the audience, are invested in the team overcoming obstacles to get to the Lonely Mountain. Bard, despite initially being an ally, turns on the Dwarves once they get into Laketown. It’s the Master, or the World’s Most Ridiculously Evil Stephen Fry, who steps up and helps the Dwarves make the last leg of their journey.

Yes, the comically evil guy in Laketown gives the Dwarves a bunch of equipment and supplies, and then parties with them till morning before sending them off with fanfare.

As an audience member my impression is that Bard just comes out looking bad out of all of this. Now, Bard was right in that their actions would wake the dragon, but frankly I didn’t care because I wanted the Dwarves to get to the dragon.

It’s as if Luke had teamed up with Han Solo and then Han Solo turned him in to the Empire for trying to blow up the Death Star. No thanks.

The Cool Dude in Jurassic World was ostensibly Owen. He had a sidekick named Barry who was this French guy who was really cool too, but the movie really relegates him to the background and eventually forgets about him. Owen is kind of a ridiculous safari cowboy who is from the Navy, brought in to train velociraptors. It’s interesting seeing him interact with the velociraptors, and it’s boring watching him interact with Claire, the love interest.

I think in plays into a comment Owen makes about how his relationship with the velociraptors involves trust and respect. He does not trust or respect Claire, as seen by his numerous blatant attempts at sexual harassment. Admittedly, Claire is also poorly written, but she doesn’t really deserve the crap Owen levels at her, and neither of them deserve to be in a romance with each other. Owen clearly only loves velociraptors, and Claire clearly can only love whoever the writers want her to.

So while I don’t really respect Owen, I find him way less obnoxious than Bard because at least Owen goes where the action is and I sometimes actually find him interesting. In a straight up fight? Probably Owen. He has a gun. Bard seems more like a fisherman though I guess he has some archery behind him so it might be a tossup.

#3. Bad Dudes

In Hobbit corner we have Azog the Defiler, and in the other corner we have Hoskins for Jurassic World. Hoskins and maybe Evil Scientist Henry Wu.

Azog, in Hobbit 3, has the most annoying death scene in all of Tolkien history. The fight with Thorin is pretty interesting up until the point that it, like the Battle of the Five Armies, goes on for way too long. The moviemakers obviously wanted to make them both look cool, but also have Thorin die, so they settled on what felt like a 3 hour fight that would never end though I wish it had.

Also, Azog didn’t kill Thorin in the book. He died fighting in the Battle of the Five Armies, not climbing up a mountain and killing a hundred goblins (direct quote from the movie).

Hoskins and Henry Wu are supposed to be evil. Wu acts super shady all the time. Hoskins kind of creeps around being super creepy, but neither are really actually that bad. I do believe that Wu was sincere when he said he was trying to meet the criteria laid down upon him by his superiors. I also can’t help but point out that Hoskins’ actions in Jurassic World are mostly for the benefit of all the people on the Island and the company he works for.

In a fight, obviously Azog, and as villains? Actually also Azog. Azog was, like the Master of Laketown, a comically evil caricature, but Hoskins and Wu fail to actually be evil. Hell, Wu just leaves, and Hoskins gets killed for basically doing his job and being unlucky.

In conclusion, I strongly dislike both films. Go watch Mad Max: Fury Road instead.

Shadows of Mordor, Dawg

Someone got paid to be a Tolkien nerd. Do you realize how amazing that is? That’s like finding out someone got paid to write fortune cookie fortunes, it’s like the dream job of a lifetime. I just realized right here and now what the end of my career path has to be.

The premise of the game is that you’re a Ranger from Gondor named Talion, who gets killed by Sauron’s lieutenants, and is resurrected by an Elf ghost named Celebrimbor. Celebrimbor, half-possessing Talion, teams up with the Ranger and the two go into Mordor to fight orcs and get revenge. I’ve heard the game is excellent, think of it as Batman in Middle-Earth.

It sounds like the game is structured as a sandbox game where you can run around as Talion collecting abilities and stuff like that and just do side quests. There’s apparently some kind of dynamic enemy system where, if someone manages to escape you, they’ll return later, stronger, and apparently have some memory of you. It’s called the Nemesis system and while it isn’t a huge selling point for me, it’s a neat idea.

This game reminds me of The Force Unleashed series, though this one annoys me less.

I think it’s because The Force Unleashed wanted so very hard to be cool. While there’s some element of that in Shadow of Mordor, I think it’s somehow better managed. It’s probably because it feels less like Look How Cool My Guy Is, and more like Look How Cool Everything Is.

From what I’ve observed Talion/Celebrimbor is quite powerful. Probably ridiculously powerful, but I guess he doesn’t go around beating up people from the book. That might be it, simply, Talion interacts with mainly characters that aren’t well known, and Celebrimbor knows some celebrities, but that was millennia ago. They do meet Gollum at one point but surprisingly, I think he acts in a manner pretty consistent with things. Whereas the guy from Force Unleashed basically is pivotal in every important moment in Star Wars history.

Anyway, definitely a game worth making your friend who is good at video games play so you can watch.