SPOILER ALERT: I’M GOING TO SPOIL EVERYTHING YOU EVER LOVED
It’s been months now since I saw the third Hobbit installment. I went and saw The Hobbit 3 with my officemates, just as I did with Jurassic World, so since I disliked both I thought it would be good to compare them.
The Hobbit has Smaug. Smaug can fly, breath fire, and speak with the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch. Jurassic World has Indominus Rex. Rex can camouflage its skin to match its surroundings, hide its thermal signature, and communicate with velociraptors.
In a straight up fight, I think it’s a close one. Smaug might actually be bigger than the Rex, but since I don’t think fire would do a lot of damage to the Rex, I think it either Smaug would retreat or it would come down to melee. And in a straight melee I think Rex has the advantage, since Smaug’s immense length doesn’t really give him great close combat capabilities.
In terms of movie annoyance (if we’re just talking the 3rd movie) then I think Smaug wins out. He’s only in the third moie for five to six minutes, in which time he says some evil stuff, burns a town, and dies. He’s killed by one of the characters I dislike the most: Bard of Laketown. At least the Rex (a) shuts up and (b) doesn’t die of its own stupidity.
#2. Cool Dudes
The Cool Dude in the Hobbit is supposed to be Bard of Laketown. I think a big failing on Bard’s part is that the movie is set up such that Bard is acting counter to the audience’s goal. We, the audience, are invested in the team overcoming obstacles to get to the Lonely Mountain. Bard, despite initially being an ally, turns on the Dwarves once they get into Laketown. It’s the Master, or the World’s Most Ridiculously Evil Stephen Fry, who steps up and helps the Dwarves make the last leg of their journey.
Yes, the comically evil guy in Laketown gives the Dwarves a bunch of equipment and supplies, and then parties with them till morning before sending them off with fanfare.
As an audience member my impression is that Bard just comes out looking bad out of all of this. Now, Bard was right in that their actions would wake the dragon, but frankly I didn’t care because I wanted the Dwarves to get to the dragon.
It’s as if Luke had teamed up with Han Solo and then Han Solo turned him in to the Empire for trying to blow up the Death Star. No thanks.
The Cool Dude in Jurassic World was ostensibly Owen. He had a sidekick named Barry who was this French guy who was really cool too, but the movie really relegates him to the background and eventually forgets about him. Owen is kind of a ridiculous safari cowboy who is from the Navy, brought in to train velociraptors. It’s interesting seeing him interact with the velociraptors, and it’s boring watching him interact with Claire, the love interest.
I think in plays into a comment Owen makes about how his relationship with the velociraptors involves trust and respect. He does not trust or respect Claire, as seen by his numerous blatant attempts at sexual harassment. Admittedly, Claire is also poorly written, but she doesn’t really deserve the crap Owen levels at her, and neither of them deserve to be in a romance with each other. Owen clearly only loves velociraptors, and Claire clearly can only love whoever the writers want her to.
So while I don’t really respect Owen, I find him way less obnoxious than Bard because at least Owen goes where the action is and I sometimes actually find him interesting. In a straight up fight? Probably Owen. He has a gun. Bard seems more like a fisherman though I guess he has some archery behind him so it might be a tossup.
#3. Bad Dudes
In Hobbit corner we have Azog the Defiler, and in the other corner we have Hoskins for Jurassic World. Hoskins and maybe Evil Scientist Henry Wu.
Azog, in Hobbit 3, has the most annoying death scene in all of Tolkien history. The fight with Thorin is pretty interesting up until the point that it, like the Battle of the Five Armies, goes on for way too long. The moviemakers obviously wanted to make them both look cool, but also have Thorin die, so they settled on what felt like a 3 hour fight that would never end though I wish it had.
Also, Azog didn’t kill Thorin in the book. He died fighting in the Battle of the Five Armies, not climbing up a mountain and killing a hundred goblins (direct quote from the movie).
Hoskins and Henry Wu are supposed to be evil. Wu acts super shady all the time. Hoskins kind of creeps around being super creepy, but neither are really actually that bad. I do believe that Wu was sincere when he said he was trying to meet the criteria laid down upon him by his superiors. I also can’t help but point out that Hoskins’ actions in Jurassic World are mostly for the benefit of all the people on the Island and the company he works for.
In a fight, obviously Azog, and as villains? Actually also Azog. Azog was, like the Master of Laketown, a comically evil caricature, but Hoskins and Wu fail to actually be evil. Hell, Wu just leaves, and Hoskins gets killed for basically doing his job and being unlucky.
In conclusion, I strongly dislike both films. Go watch Mad Max: Fury Road instead.