Fantastic One Star

I watched Fantastic Four (2005) on a whim and I can say that I remembered next to nothing about this movie. It’s also not good.

The movie is about how financially destitute super-scientist, Reed, and his best friend, Ben, go hat in hand to super-CEO Doom. It appears that Doom Enterprises Inc. (or whatever its name is) is a super huge corporation and Doom is super rich and super arrogant. Also, Reed’s ex-girlfriend, Susan, works for him. They’re dating? Doom agrees to fund Reed’s project but seriously the deal seems awful. Apparently Reed was a dick in college and Doom is getting his revenge.

Susan’s brother Johnny is the last character introduced. He’s played by Chris Evans of Captain America fame. Johnny is a washout from NASA for conduct unbecoming an astronaut, and was below Ben in rank prior to the movie. Johnny is a real jerk, and the movie goes out of it’s way to establish that Johnny is also heterosexual. They really want to hammer it home: Johnny. Loves. The. Ladies.

These fantastic four individuals (and Doom) go to a space and get zapped by space magic.

When they arrive back on Earth they slowly develop superpowers from the exposure to space magic. Reed can stretch his body is made of rubber. Susan can turn invisible and also get naked in public. Johnny bursts into flames. Ben turns into a giant monster which gives him the secondary power of getting dumped by his girlfriend.

The movie is a bit like Reed. It’s really smug and condescending to the women in it. Susan has to get naked publicly at least two times in the movie for titillation- I mean contrived reasons. Johnny bursts into flames and crashes into snow, creating a jacuzzi, and his nurse strips and jumps in to get it on with him. Ben’s wife runs out of her house in negligee at night. That last one was just weird. Women, amirite?

Reed explains to Susan that if she could control her emotions better then she could control her powers. Because women, amirite?

Reed spends most of the movie trying to find a cure for Ben. Doom meanwhile is apparently bankrupt (it’s really unclear why everything is going terrible or I don’t remember) and also turning into like a living metal man. With electricity powers. Sure.

Johnny runs off to burn movie time riding motorcycles and getting into arguments with the main characters. Ben gets angry at Reed at the prodding of Doom. Doom cures Ben and uses that to super-charge himself?

Then Doom kidnaps Reed and freezes him.

Eventually they all fight and Doom is turned into a metal statue. The end.

I glossed over a lot of stuff but most of it doesn’t matter. The important thing to take away is that this movie got a sequel and in this sequel Susan’s clothing gets burned off and she is naked in public again. Guys, women, amirite?

 

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