Captain America: Civil WarNING SPOILERS

I went to see Captain America: Civil War, or as I like to call it: Avengers vs Avengers: Dawn of the Punchening.

I’m a fan of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I love it so much that I’m probably going to name my first official Skyrim build after it. But that’s clearly an awesome post for another time. The point is I like Captain America, I’m invested. And Captain America 3 isn’t really as good as Captain America 2, which is sad. I had a high hopes for the movie since it was the same team.

The parts of Captain America 3 that were a Captain America movie were still good. My contention is that the movie is weak is because all the Captain America movie is lodged in an Avengers movie. And I really don’t care about the Avengers. Also I the Civil War conflict seemed really contrived to me.

Let me turn my baseball cap and as well as my chair  AROUND and let’s rap. The central conflict that divides the Avengers into two teams (Team Tony and Team Steve) is that the United Nations gets antsy about an organization of superheroes (called enhanced humans) just traveling around the world blowing things up without supervision. And you know, I get it. I do. So Tony “Iron Man” Stark feels guilty when a woman just shows up at random and stuffs a guilt trip down his throat. Turns out her son died in the fictional country that got blown up in Avengers: Weekend at Ultron’s. Instead of thinking, “Well, I’m not going to build any more genocidal super robots,” he thinks, “hey I want to guilt trip all my friends.”

You see a week earlier Captain America led his team into Nigeria in pursuit of a bad guy named Crossbones. A bad guy so irrelevant that even though his character was introduced in a different movie, and he dies in this movie, no one really cares. Anyway a lot of people die as a result of the conflict and people are pretty rightfully upset about that. So General Ross (of The Incredible Hulk fame) comes over to the Casa de Avengers, and gives us a slide show of the previous Marvel movies where cities have been blown up.

“Sign this document,” says General Ross and Iron Man. He slides over a five thousand page contract.

“It says we need permission before we go into foreign countries and blow stuff up,” adds Iron Man. He’s busy looking at his iphone. He’s uploaded a picture of the kid who died in Fictional Country-stan. Like the kid’s mother mother handed him a photo which he took the time to upload into his iphone so he could look at it, feel bad, and yet not have to deal with disgusting old-grandpa-tech like photographs.

Honestly, it seems kind of reasonable considering that other countries exist, and the Avengers are so clearly USAmericans. Sure, Wanda is … like Eastern European-ish, and Vision was “born” in Hong Kong (right?), Black Widow is definitely Soviet era Russian, but they have literally the most USAmerican being in the world in charge, funded by the most Ayn Randian billionaire playboy.

So yeah, some people aren’t cool with that.

But Captain Steven Rogers (is that his rank?) is like no way. And then he goes to his girlfriend’s funeral and her niece is like, “My aunt always said, never ever sign anything like that document you’re being asked to sign.” And Steve is like, aw yeah, I used to live next to her and now I’m single.

So a building explodes and Bucky gets falsely accused of killing the father of Wakandan Bruce Wayne, which leads to a wild Black Panther appearing. That’s a Pokemon reference. I threw that in for the kids, who I hope now recognize that I’m hip.

At the core is a bad guy running around trying to do bad guy stuff but spends most of the movie in transit while 90% of the 2 hours and 30 minutes of this movie is a giant fight at an airport.

Also if you didn’t sit next to my girlfriend who was super furious as soon as Spider-man entered the movie then you did not get the full experience. A million hours of punching that doesn’t matter later and it’s time for another punch fight.

It’s at this point that Black Panther is like, holy shit this movie is killing us, and saves everyone by actually beating Baron Von Lame-O… by like walking up to him and grabbing him. The rest of the movie then happens. The end.

I’m not a huge fan, but I promise you that there will at least be one good scene with a Volkswagen Beetle.


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