Planet Sulk

I re-watched Planet Hulk and it was pretty much exactly how I remembered it. I would recommend changing the title to Planet Sulk. The premise of the movie is that the Incredible Sulk gets shot into space by a conspiracy headed by Iron Man. Apparently in this universe the Sulk was an uncontrollable menace that could only be dealt with by loading him onto a rocket and shooting him into space.

Unfortunately, that’s not what we really see, because the Sulk is shown to be too busy sulking out to be much of a threat to anyone. He’s captured and enslaved by some aliens who are basically just humans.

It turns out he’s on a planet called Sakaar, a planet populated primarily by red humans and dark grey humans. There’s also a bunch of other aliens (the planet seems like partially a dumping ground of aliens from the Marvel U), but the Red Humans seem to be the dominant party on the planet, led by the Red King.

What follows is a rather long boring slog as we follow around the mopey Sulk and are awed by his superhuman adolescent angst. He’s an amazingly unsympathetic character, which is exacerbated by the fact that the supporting cast is filled with characters who want to, you know, live and not die. Sulk just wants to lie on the ground and listen to his… I don’t know, like Nine Inch Nail albums? Maybe just Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” on loop forever.

The Sulk gets sullenly interwoven in the political intrigue on the planet, and due to his laziness, indifference, and general bad attitude, numerous characters actually die or get captured. Yet still he’s embraced by the populace as a messianic Christ-figure called the Sakaarson because it turns out, and I’m not making this up, his blood can create life on the barren world.

90% of the movie consists of people coming up to Sulk and pleading for him to save them. Then he blows them off. Then they get in trouble and a bunch of people die, then the Sulk runs in and tries to save the day. This repeats what feels like forever.

Whether by accident or design, the actual protagonist of the movie is a grey human named Caiera. She is the bodyguard of the Red King. As a child, her village was attacked by alien space zombies, and she was the only survivor partially by right of her having the “Oldstrong”, which means super-powers in alien space land. She’s saved by the Red King and swears her loyalty to him.

Through the course of the movie where she actually tries to save some lives and proves she’s incredibly less despicable than the Sulk, despite being kind of the villain, she finds out that the Red King actually engineered the death of her village. The Red King then betrays her because he’s tired of … having someone awesome work for him? It’s one of the dumbest thing the Red King does (since it doesn’t actually get him anything but a powerful enemy). He’s really dumb.

Caeira then joins up with the Sulk and his gang of worshippers, and they go and beat the Red King up. Caeira then kills the Red King by turning him into an alien space zombie. Then the Sulk becomes King of Alien Space Land.

The end.

It’s not good, guys.

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