The Awful Suggestion Order of Star Treks that Netflix presented me. Truly, our algorithms have failed us on this day.
#1. Star Trek Into Darkness
Star Trek Into Darkness is probably the Star Trek movie I despise the most. It’s Cargo Cult movie making at it’s height. People putting out all the set pieces and hoping the Good Movie will return to their island. I hate to break this to you, guys, but there’s no Good Movie here. There’s never been a good movie here. You built your movie on top of a cursed movie burial ground and only horrible movies can be born here.
The problem I have with Star Trek Into Darkness is that if you squint, it kind of looks like a good movie, but’s a filthy lie. It’s just bad, alright. I don’t even believe that Abrams wants to make Star Trek movies. Where do I get that from? How about the boom box that can teleport you to different planets? Yeah, I guess we don’t need… star ships anymore.
One of the problems I have with the new Star Trek was solved by Isaac Asimov years ago. We have the technology people:
And this, this, is the guy you get to do our Star Wars.
#2. Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan
Wow. Like, Netflix, did you seriously just put Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan AFTER Star Trek into Darkness?
Why don’t I just go watch Road House 2 BEFORE Road House?
Why don’t I just go watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights BEFORE Dirty Dancing?
Why don’t I just go watch the remake of Point Break BEFORE Point Break?
Why don’t I just go watch the remake of Red Dawn BEFORE the original Red Dawn?
Admittedly, watching garbage does make a good movie perhaps seem even better, so maybe it’s not an awful move, but I’m still insulted that Star Trek Into Darkness is somehow implied to be better than the movie it strives so hard to be 10 times worse than.
#3. Star Trek: Generations
Can we make a movie that’s worse than the last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation? BOY CAN WE!
Good job guys. You did it. Seriously. This movie is the Star Trek: The Motion Picture of Star Trek: The Next Generation movies.
#4. Galaxy Quest
In a just universe this movie would be in the number two or three slot. But we don’t live in a just universe. We also don’t live in a horrific post-apocalyptic Cormac McCarthy Road-style universe, so I’m not exactly complaining, but c’mon! C’MON!
Galaxy Quest is awesome and certainly, CERTAINLY, better than Generations and … into Darkness. It’s got ALAN RICKMAN and SIGOURNEY WEAVER. SIGOURNEY WEAVER was in Ghostbusters 1 and Ghostbusters 2. Alan Rickman was from Diehard. These two alone make the movie worth watching and there’s a lot more including the unstoppable, the unbelievable, the hilarious: Sam Rockwell.
#5. Star Trek Nemesis
Star Trek Nemesis…
Did you know Tom Hardy, of Mad Max: Fury Road, is in this movie? True fact. This movie could have been called Star Trek: Franchise Killer. This is the movie that opened an accursed gate to another plane. This is the summoning ritual that weakened the boundaries of reality just enough so that Star Trek into Darkness could seep into our universe.
That being said, I’d probably watch it before I’d watch Star Trek into Darkness, Netflix. God. It’s like we don’t know each other at all.