4 movies that appear on a Netflix search for “three” that I’ve seen summarized from memory

#4. Highlander 3: The Final Dimension

This is the one with Mario Van Peebles, right? I constantly don’t know who Mario Van Peebles is, though I do recognize his name. Anyway, I remember this one pretty well because it’s pretty bad. So get this: Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod is the last surviving immortal. Maybe. His girlfriend from the first movie is dead, and everyone just pretends that Highlander 2 didn’t happen. He has an adopted kid I think.

It turns out that a long time ago in Asia, MacCleod crossed swords with Evil Van Peeble. Evil Van Peeble kills an immortal with super powers and gets super powers, but ends up getting buried for a thousand years. He busts out in the modern day with two goons and Connor has to fight him. In a church. Where his sword breaks. Then Connor has to go back to the set of Highlander 1 to reforge his sword and eventually kill Evil Van Peeble. In the middle of all of this is some scenes blatantly stolen from Highlander 1 but I can’t fault a movie for wanting to be a better movie.

#3. Three Kings

So George Clooney and some others guys are soldiers in Kuwait or Iraq during one of the wars in Kuwait or Iraq in the 90s. I think they go AWOL to steal some treasure. I think Marky Mark gets captured and has to drink oil. Then they bust Marky Mark out. I don’t know what happens then. They probably win the war.

#2. Naked Gun 33 1/3

Leslie Nielsen and OJ Simpson … do things? Is Leslie Nielsen dead? Oh, he died in 2010. Did you know he was in at least two episodes of Columbo? There’s a lot of visual gags. Maybe someone throws a knife that imbeds in a novel and someone says, “Ha! No one gets through War & Peace!” OK, I don’t remember a damn thing about this movie. Though I think the one orgy joke I remember might come from this:

Like a blind man in an orgy I was going to have to feel my way through.

#1. Dhoom 3

This movie is awesome. Seriously. Awesome. It’s like Step Up crashed into The Prestige crashed into The Dark Knight. I mean, that’s basically every movie I want to see at the same time. OK, I’m not a huge fan of the Prestige, so this movie does a pretty good job of making the Prestige better.

So there’s this guy, and he’s basically the Joker, only more about terrorizing a particular bank than terrorizing EVERYONE, and he’s so wily and so capable that the authorities, in CHICAGO, have to brink in SUPER COP from Mumbai to stop the Joker guy.

SUPER COP is amazing by the way. You know how in movies there will be a cool entry moment for a hero where he shows up and the wind is blowing and he’s putting on sunglasses? Yeah, that’s EVERY scene with SUPER COP. He’s so cool that every scene he’s in requires a wind machine.

The Joker guy turns out to be an owner of a Vegas show, in Chicago, and out for revenge because a bank foreclosed on his father’s circus like 20 years ago. Here’s the thing that makes the movie ridiculous… wait, here’s one single thing about the movie that is ridiculous (out of like 300 things): the bank shut down the circus because the circus didn’t have any money. I mean it’s cold, but it’s also kind of reasonable. I mean, I never got the sense that the bank was being evil about it.

There’s a character who has a name I can’t remember (she’s kind of whatever is the Pokemon-ic evolution beyond Manic Pixie Dreamgirl) but she calls herself something like Asian Goddess Who Sings Like Liquid Electricity. What was that? That’s the sound of me being sold. Sold.


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