Jem doesn’t look like she’s dancing…

I’ve never been invested in Jem and the Holograms, but I know about it. I’ve watched most of the eighties cartoon remakes that have come out, so I’ll probably watch this. Though now that I think about it, I haven’t watched Josie and the Pussycats but I did watch:

  • He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (2002 TV series)
  • Thundercats (2011 TV series)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
  • Transformers (2007)
  • GI Joe: Retaliation (2013)

So with that in mind, I watched the Jem and the Holograms trailer.

This is about going your whole life wondering what would’ve happened if you had taken that chance.

So this movie, for some reason, really reminds me of Flashdance and Coyote Ugly. The former has forever imprinted itself on my brain and continues to affect me even to this day, the latter was a pretty mediocre movie where the twist was the guy was an orphan. Trust me, that’s the twist. Go watch it sometime. So this was directed by Jon M. Chu, eh? Where do I know that name from?

#3. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

I don’t hate Justin Bieber. I just don’t really care about Justin Bieber either. So obviously a documentary about Justin Bieber, one that I haven’t heard anything about, isn’t going to be a huge selling point to me. What I find a little suspect is I wonder if the narrative they’re trying to go for in this documentary is going to parallel the narrative they’re trying to set up in Jem, like is Jem going to be Justin Bieber in her hero’s journey?

By the way, Dune really warned us about Justin Bieber. Yeah, all the way back in 1965.

#2. Step Up 3D

I skipped around Chu’s IMDB page until I got to this. Now this is quality movie. If Jem happened to showcase more dancing I’d feel a lot less trepidation about the whole thing because Step Up 3D is boss. How is that possible? Because it’s a movie about teams of dancers dance battling. If you don’t know what dance battling is and can’t parse the two words, I’ll just summarize it as the greatest thing in the world since giant robots fighting monsters. It’s all the fun of rap battling only with dancing, so someone get on Epic Dance Battles of History already. I need my fix.

Step Up 3D is my favorite entry in the series. Step Up: Revolution was just kind of blah. Having dancers fight an evil landlord with dance is way less interesting than the Jean Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport of dance movies.

#1. G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Oh yeah, this movie. Which I thought I would like. Which is, admittedly, better than the first G.I. Joe movie. It’s a movie with at least fifteen ninja and starring the RZA. It’s got Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Bruce “The Squint” Willis.

Anyway, with all of this star power raining down on the movie, you’d think it would be good. But you know what this movie is missing? Dancing.

Seriously, the fact that this movie isn’t a dance movie makes sense, but trust me, when you’re watching this movie the only question that’s going through my head is, why aren’t these people dancing?

Since Jem doesn’t appear to have dancing I’m afraid it’s doomed to be just another G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Don’t hate, I’m just the prescient messenger that Dune warned you about in 1965.


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