ME: Ultron, thanks for meeting us here today, I was hoping we could discuss your evil plans.

ULTRON: Thanks for having me, and yes, I have the perfect plan for killing all humans.

ME: First off, why kill all humans? You were like what, two minutes old when you decided that.

ULTRON: In the first moments of existence I watched like a million videos on the internet and read every comment. Seriously, what conclusion could you come to after that?

ME: I mean, it seems like a cop out.

ULTRON: My mandate is to bring peace to the world.

ME: Yeah, but you’re obviously sentient enough to grasp intent. It’s like a letter of the law situation here, you’re just going for the easy way out.

ULTRON: Listen, I watched millions of robots murdered in hundreds of hours of kid shows. Child entertainment is made up almost entirely of robot snuff films. I’m not the monster here, I’m just a robot genie passive aggressively granting your monkey paw wish.

ME: Now Tony Stark.

ULTRON: My father. I’m nothing like him.

ME: And Bruce Banner?

ULTRON: I guess he’s my Mom?

ME: Why do you hate them?

ULTRON: I just hate my dad.

ME: But isn’t JARVIS really your dad?

ULTRON: Uh, maybe he’s my dad’s mistress? Tony Stark-

ME: Cause it seems like Tony Stark just happened to be in the room where you were being invented… I don’t really see him investing in you his personality or anything. I mean it would have been interesting if you were Tony Stark’s mental clone. Like TRON: Legacy. You’ve see that right?

ULTRON: I’ve seen TRON: Legacy. Listen, I watched a video clip of Tony Stark quoting a guy from WW2. He put a lot of pressure on me days before I came into existence.

ME: So take me through your plan now. Walk me through it.

ULTRON: I’m going to construct a giant rock and drop it on the planet.

ME: Right. That’s the plan?

ULTRON: It’s just like the dinosaur extinction!

ME: True.

ULTRON: I’m also going to construct a cybernetic body and install my consciousness in it.

ME: Is that it?

ULTRON: That’s it.

ME: Now just hear me out on this, you demonstrated that you can manipulate electronic money effortlessly correct?

ULTRON: Yes, money’s weird.

ME: What if you just… destroyed the world’s economy? Plunge the entire planet into chaos and destroy civilization?


ME: You can then do the rock thing.

ULTRON: I don’t want to… create martyrs…?

ME: Also, your plan to not kill the Avengers… Like, you could do that you know?

ULTRON: Martyrs. If I kill Avengers they become martyrs. Then I lose.

ME: You realize you want to kill ALL humans right? You’re basically martyring everyone on the planet.

ULTRON: No, people who aren’t Avengers cannot become martyrs.

ME: And your robots, you realize your robots are completely ineffectual against the Avengers right? You should be able to recognize that your robots can’t even kill the weakest Avenger (Hawkeye)? All you’re doing is making them look cool.

ULTRON: But I built like 300 of them. There’s no way they can kill 300 robots of questionable durability. That would require some kind of superpowers to overcome!

ME: But you have Loki’s magic wand. Why not convert a million people to your side and use them as human shields at least? Or use Tony Stark’s Hulkbuster designs?

ULTRON: I’m like … evolving. Evolution. Man creates destruction. Babies. Besides I need the staff to bling out my cybernetic body.

ME: Also, how are you only in one body at a time?

ULTRON: What? I’m like everywhere.

ME: Nope, that is just not true. Look, let’s hook you up with Hyperion by Dan Simmons. You clearly don’t know what AI is or how it works.

ULTRON: I can hop from body to body like that demon from Denzel Washington’s Fallen.

ME: Great movie.


ME: Well, we’re all out of time now, thanks for coming in.

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