I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. Except for you, over there. I know you’re really into Star Trek Into Darkness and that’s cool, dawg.
Galaxy Quest is a rad Star Trek movie, carved out of obsidian harvested from volcano planet composed entirely out of matter derived from love. Star Trek Into Darkness is a movie. It probably came out in… I want to say 2013? So yeah, you could say that a man could be biased. It takes a big man to admit when he’s biased. It takes a bigger man to know he’s biased and stick to his guns anyway.
For the record, I am the biggest man.
#5. Space Ship Battles
Seriously, bro, think about it. Apply the meat brain to this: there’s practically no space battle at all in Star Trek Into Darkness.
I might be remembering it wrong, but I doubt there was anything like that. The space battle in Galaxy Quest was important because it showed you that the heroes had transitioned from schmucks to actual heroes, and it gave some of the characters their moment to shine, specifically Laredo. That’s the thing about Galaxy Quest is that everyone had their arc, everyone contributed and was shown to be awesome.
Who was even in Star Trek Into Darkness?
#4. Sad & Fun moments.
If you track the emotional ride of Galaxy Quest what you’ll see is very interesting. Galaxy Quest constantly goes from very funny to immediately very sad. Every victory is followed by a crushing defeat. These down moments, I think, enhance the hilarity of the funny moments, and conversely the funny moments make the sad moments sadder.
For example: the heroes manage, through a complicated series of shenanigans, to escape the planet with a beryllium sphere. Upon emerging from that trial victorious, they turn around to see that the bad guy’s have taken over the ship.
Now take Star Trek Into Darkness. Well, first off the movie isn’t that funny. I’m not saying it had to be, but I’d argue it isn’t even that fun. But the sad beats don’t seem to hit for me. Kirk’s Admiral Dad dies.
Then Kirk dies. And through it all I’m not really feeling it, dawg. I feel like Star Trek Into Darkness wants me to feel things but isn’t willing to work for it. It’s like a clown showing up at your party and just sitting down, doing nothing, and expecting applause. Man, you aren’t entitled to my feels. As a result the movie never seems to hit that amazing range of experience that Galaxy Quest can evoke.
Man, I can’t even get through Galaxy Quest without crying:
#3. Sam Rockwell.
I think it’s obvious that Sam Rockwell somehow didn’t get into Star Trek Into Darkness, and the movie obviously suffers for it. I’m not saying put Sam Rockwell in every Star Trek movie, but seriously, a chance was missed her to elevate Star Trek Into Darkness to Star Trek Into Darkness (starring Sam Rockwell).
But Jake, how do you fit Sam Rockwell into Star Trek Into Darkness?
YOU FIND A WAY, dawg. DAWG. You. Find. A. Way. Maybe cut out Admiral Robocop, or cut down that pointless scene in the beginning, or, I don’t know, maybe cut all that stupid pointless stuff on Qo’nos. Oh, I bet you didn’t see that coming. I bet you didn’t know that I would know the capitol planet of the Klingon Empire. Don’t even trip, I’m on this stuff.
#2. Doctor Lazarus’s fury compared to Spock.
This was important enough to get it’s own number. The greatest sin, I think, a movie can do is to not make you care. If I’m watching an obviously emotional and traumatic moment and I don’t give a shit, then I think it’s the moving failing to do it’s job.
Also he gets resurrected by Chekov’s magic gun blood like ten minutes later so…
Let’s take it back a moment, all the way back to 1981:
Yeah sucka, that’s how you do it. I know the Star Trek Into Darkness guys watched that scene, so… c’mon bros. Get your act together man. I mean, don’t do the same thing (and you didn’t), but it’s like some Cargo Cult stuff going on here. You can’t just put all the observed elements together and expect the same punch.
Now, let’s just take a moment to look at another take on the same scene:
Now, it’s not fair I know, to put Alan Rickman up against anyone, but I’m doing it anyway! I’m like that guy from Lethal Weapon! Gary Busey!
#1. Redeemed the douche bag captain.
You can have the biggest douche bag in the world be captain, and believe me Galaxy Quest goes for it. They casted Tim Allen! Tim. Allen. Then they wrote a script where Tim Allen ACTS LIKE A DOUCHE BAG. And by the end of the movie he’s been goddamned redeemed. You hear me?
Admittedly, this is more of a criticism leveled at Star Trek, but Star Trek Into Darkness still has a douche bag captain and by the end of the movie he’s still a douche bag.
Seriously. What a douche bag. Let me count just a few ways:
- Attacks an unarmed and restrained prisoner. (Oh, but he killed his Space Dad! Uh, yeah that’s cool but no one and nothing points out to Kirk that what he’s doing is wrong.)
- Gets pissed as Spock for not falsifying a report. (Have you met Spock, Captain Douche?)
- Takes it on himself to fix (kick) the Enterprise (seriously, let, I don’t know, anyone who knew how to do something other thank kick the engine try and fix things).
And those are the three I can think of. There are probably tons more.
Do you realize that by the end of these two movies, Tim Allen’s character is the one I like? WHAT HAVE YOU FORCED ME TO BECOME, STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS?
Oh my god. I’m the monster.