4 Things I said about Avengers 2: Age of World War II Analogy [SPOILERS, yo]

Avengers 2: Age of Ultron is a movie I watched last night.

If you don’t know what it is about, humanity creates a robot that then tries to destroy humanity. Think of it like Jurassic Park only with a robot instead of dinosaurs.

I will say I enjoyed the movie. It was a big entertaining spectacle of people flying around and punching people then saying some kind of clever one-liners. It works in a lot of places.

Though honestly I feel bad for people who have to fight the Avengers. They literally seem to outclass anyone they’re fighting. Thor even drops down and punches some people. I don’t know why, maybe because he felt like it?

#4, The Romance subplot made me roll my eyes so hard I died. My corpse is writing this.

It felt forced. As in forced into a 3 hour movie so that nothing could happen or come of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mark Ruffalo, and I like Scarlet Johansson, but I seriously wasn’t caring if they got together, and more than a little perplexed about where that came from.

Also Banner’s like I can’t have kids. Natasha was like I can’t have kids. Cool, so why do you two chumps just recognize that you can not have kids together as a couple? Bozos? Hello? Can you hear me movie? Oh wait, Bruce Banner’s not into it and looking for an out. Well that makes the rest of the movie make sense, doesn’t it?

#3. Tony Stark invents AI by using his AI.

It’s unclear to me why Tony Stark, and everyone else, is so impressed at the momentous occasion of building AI. Why is that? It is because JARVIS has been in every Iron Man movie. What is JARVIS? JARVIS is Tony Stark’s AI that can autonomously pilot Tony Stark’s robot-suits (see: Iron Man 3, Avengers 2: Age of Ultron). What bothers me about all of this is that with JARVIS flying their jets, JARVIS running Stark Industries, JARVIS building robot suits, and JARVIS being completely capable of passing the Turing Test (seriously JARVIS could), no one really considers it to be an AI.

The movie tries to explain this after showing an orange thing next to a blue thing, and have one of the scientists cooing at how impressive blue is. Later on in the movie JARVIS goes guerilla, autonomously deciding to defend the world by counter hacking all of Ultron’s schemes. Yet not a single person bats an eye at JARVIS.

There is a point in the movie where Tony Stark literally tells his AI to continue working on the AI. JARVIS builds Ultron. I’m not kidding. JARVIS is like, I’ll just keep attempting to build Ultron, oh I succeeded.

Oh, and later later in the movie? They need an AI to put into a body. Oh look, they use JARVIS.

I can’t believe Avengers 2 is about the Avengers discovering that they had an AI inside of them all along.

#2. What is anyone saying?

This may sound weird but I was perplexed by things people said in the movie. It’s not because I couldn’t understand the words they were saying because they were spoken too quickly or too softly or mumbled. It’s because the things they were saying were without meaning or sense. It’s almost as if they were written by some kind of alien being that has some sense of what should be said, and the actors have the ability to convey the tone of what was meant, but seriously sometimes people are saying gibberish.

TONY

What will we do when the bad thing happens?

STEVE

We do it together.

TONY

And when we lose?

STEVE

We do it together.

What? Maybe Steve Rogers is going a little senile due to his extreme age, but come on. It’s like Steve didn’t hear the question because Tony is saying, “Hey, maybe we can do something about this,” and Steve’s response is, “No don’t plan anything, the power of our friendship will make defeat bearable.” To be fair, it turns out friendship does win in the end but still…

NATASHA

Dorkiness is hot.

What? I refuse to believe this.

STEVE

If you die, walk it off.

Or:

STEVE

People who try to prevent war make it worse.

Huh? Yeah, they’re referencing the policy of appeasement and Tony’s “Peace in our time” line but seriously, what’s the problem? Seriously, thing seem fine in the MCU. Tony’s scared about aliens, but honestly he’s drunk on Scarlet Witch juice, so I just assume that’s what’s motivating that.

ULTRON

I’m nothing like Tony Stark!

Yeah, why are you anything like Tony Stark? Tony Stark literally found you in a magic gem at the end of an alien scepter. It’s unclear to me when Tony had any input into your personality.

(Avengers finish out the most choreographed of synchronized battle routines.)

ULTRON

They [the Avengers] are divided and weak [or something].

(Avengers quarrel for contrived reasons)

The later:

SOMEONE

Ultron wants to kill humanity.

STEVE

He didn’t say kill, he said extinction.

Would someone please tell Steve what “extinction” means?

I might be crazy but I feel like the writer was the crazy one. I just watched it happen.

#1. Why is Ultron losing? 

Lets assume that Ultron is truly AI. Then he wins. That’s the end of the movie. He. Wins. He doesn’t need two “enhanced” humans. He doesn’t need a bioengineer to build him an organic body. Seriously he wins.

Ultron even says at one point, referring to all the robots around him, that he’s all of these bodies. If that’s true you can’t kill Ultron.

But then the movie turns around and explicitly shows that Ultron occupies one body. The other bodies are said to be Ultron but clearly aren’t. Example: When Ultron is downloading to a new body, the main Ultron has to be directly jacked into the body. When he unplugs no other Ultron steps up. Main Ultron is apparently the real Ultron.

It kind of makes sense because in the comics, Ultron is more of a demon than an AI. He can hop from body to body. But seriously, they show he can escape into the internet. Which means…. well, he seriously shouldn’t be able to be stopped. A super intelligent AI would be a being so alien from us, and probably so powerful, that the world would promptly end. Building robot bodies for itself is the least it could really do to us. Hey, why not crash the economy, Dumbtron?

And he should be smart, right? So why not just stick around with the Scarlet Witch? She seriously wins the day for him. The only person who can stop her is Hawkeye, but that doesn’t matter because Quicksilver can kill Hawkeye. Or maybe magic blue staff a ton of people to help you fight and have civilians operate as human shields.

Say, why don’t you kill the Avengers? Don’t want to make martyrs, says Ultron. HOW CONVENIENT, says Jake.

Yeah, martyrs are a real big issue when you’re planning an extinction event.

Basically, it’s just a nonsensical romp with half the movie bending over backwards for opportunities for the heroes to look cool while things happen. I liked it. It ran on long. There was a lot of stuff I didn’t care about. Dramatic conflict was dramatic and contrived.

Tony builds a robot, it goes evil. So he builds another robot. That one’s ok, how do we know? It picked up a hammer.

Incidentally, is no one going to comment on the fact that Mjolnir clearly has some kind of advanced AI of it’s own? Did you see how it was navigating a city in Thor: Dark World?

All of this seems nitpicky, but whatever. It’s going to make 400 trillion dollars and everyone gets what they wanted: a big super hero movie. I can’t hurt its feelings, it’s a movie, dawg. Movies don’t have feelings.

EDIT:

Holy crap. Ultron should have built Veronicas.

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