Yes we Pan

I am a long-time fan of Van Helsing star, Hugh Jackman, so naturally I was automatically intrigued by Pan.

The movie, which as we all know is a prequel to the Robin William’s movie Hook, which itself was a sequel to the Disney movie Peter Pan, which itself was a side-quel to the Johnny Depp movie Finding Neverland, both of which were prequels to Return to Neverland, not to be mistaken for the dark re-envisioning Neverland,  which of course was based on the biographical events of Julie Andrews’ play, Julie Pandrews.

I was on the fence initially, watching the movie, but first they reveal Hugh “Van Helsing / Real Steel” Jackman (he was also in Chappie) as Blackbeard, then also reveal that Hook was once not a pirate. The interesting, and possibly tragic, origin of Captain Hook is a great hook if you will, but then they kick on the sad music, and suddenly the frequency of my brain susceptible to the Sunshine soundtrack is down, dawg.

I’m going to get real with you, man, I’m both a lover and a hater of pirates. Pirates in real life (IRL) were once hostis humani generis or ENEMY OF ALL MANKIND. And I totally get it, man. You see, man, commerce is the founding block of civilization, dawg. Pirates are assholes who go around killing people and taking stuff. That’s like not cool, dude, like to the max. So yeah, hunt those guys down because they’re a serious problem, bro.

Now that we got that out of the way, I do love pirates in video games. I’m less a fan of pirate movies, generally, since the Pirates of the Caribbean, starring Finding Neverland star Johnny Depp, kind of just burnt out its welcome with me. But I’ve wanted to play Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag for a while now, and even though I probably never will, it still looks like a great game, brah. My heart is open to more pirates in movies though, and Pan looks like it has some kind of clown/pirate hybrid, opening up a new doorway to terror that I never knew existed.

Think about it, dawg, flying clown pirates that attack people at night and steal children. That’s like a goddamn Lovecraftian horror story, there, dawg.

So I’m on board. I’ll watch it. Sure, why not?


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