“Witch” Hunters

I watched Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.

And after watching it I realized what it reminded me of:

I explained this to coworkers who saw this movie. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a disturbing movie. It’s about two siblings, Hansel and Gretel, who travel from town to town killing witches with steampunk technology. Unfortunately, in this universe, all witches seem to be is ugly women who can fly. This makes them generally ill-suited to fight the Van Helsing level equipped Hansel and Gretel, who proceed to brutally kill witch after witch with a weird glee. That’s right, I said it: Van Helsing.

Seriously, it’s a movie about killing ugly women. Gunning them down in droves. If that’s not unsettling, then how about the really uncomfortable violence directed at Gretel by the townspeople. Or the time a fanboy starts trying to strip Gretel while she’s out cold, and it’s played for laughs. Or how about the only good witch is a witch that dies for a man. Seriously, I’m not making this up or exaggerating, this is the goddamn plot of the movie. Do you know what the witches want to do? Conquer the world? Nope. They want to make a potion that makes it harder to set them on fire.

And on top of all of that, this trailer tries to play up the cool angle. Again, which reminds me of Will Ferrell’s Bitch Hunter.

At least Bitch Hunter makes no excuses. Do you know how this movie ends? The siblings team up with annoying fanboy and a troll, and burst in on a witch that we haven’t observed actually doing anything.

Seriously, what?


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