Look me in the eyes: High School is the only time that matters

At first I thought this was a YA novel movie. You know what I love about YA novels? They don’t have to have any pretensions. They can just be about fun in a way that modern movies have to be about time traveling irony and super betrayal twists. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about that movie (I’m probably talking about every movie).

I don’t hate this. I’m probably not going to see it, but it looks better than that one movie about that guy from Twilight (the werewolf named Jacob) who is actually a super-spy.

So it looks like the Main Character, I’ll call her Harry 83 Potter, was raised in USA Assassin’s Hogwarts, but longs for a Muggle life in a Mean Girls movie, so she runs away after beating up Jessica Voldemort. Only Jessica Voldemort escapes while Harry 83 Potter is trying to kiss a Muggle boy, forcing Samuel L. Jackson Dumbledore to come and help her out.

Yeah, ok. I think there’s also that girl from Game of Thrones. The one that’s not dead yet. No, the other one. The sister of the one who is an assassin or hanging out with Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I’m probably not going to go see this, but things I like about it are, well it seems like Samuel L. Dumbledore doesn’t seem like the main antagonist. That’s kind of nice. I mean, if you really think about it, what he’s doing is morally reprehensible and the movie is basically about a child soldier running away from home…

Holy crap. Guys. Guys. Guys. I cracked it. I figured it out (I’m a detective). This movie is the origin story of Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy! I mean, it’s not exactly perfect, but it’s basically what Guardians of the Galaxy should have been about. Seriously, Marvel Movie Suits, can we just lay off the smart alleck superhero guys? We have Robert Downey Jr. No one is going to top that.

No need to thank me, City. I’m not the hero this city needs, but I’m the hero it deserves.

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