Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula:

Some people will try and tell you that the name of this movie is Dracula, but I insist on call it Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula. This movie is so rad.

This trailer is good, I think it errs on revealing too much, but most of the plot is still left out. The movie itself is a great fantasy movie. It’s got romance-reincarnation, a cowboy, swords, supernatural monsters, and Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing. Van Helsing was later made into a movie I should really write about because that movie sucks.

This movie also stars Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Keanu Reeves, that guy from The Princess Bride. What you need more? It has a werewolf sex. Still more? Three topless vampire ladies. And yet you still want more? Gary Oldman wears a really sick hipster vampire costume with an awesome wolf as a pet. I can’t imagine what else you could want.

While this is not Keanu Reeves’ best movie, I think he does a good job at being a kind of young foolish insurance salesman. Or maybe he’s a realtor. Either way, I can forgive his probably terrible English accent.

This movie is just a straight up great pulp romance adventure story, and I don’t know if it gets enough credit for it. It shares a lot with The Mummy, for example. It has instilled in me a great love for the vampire movie genre though the genre loves me less than I love it sometimes.

So Keanu goes to Transylvania, or wherever, to sell land or life insurance or something equally boring. There he meets an eccentric old count who has some incredibly creepy scenes with him. Things are about to go bad for Keanu when the creepy count sees a picture of his fiance, and decides to spare his life. Instead he unleashes three vampire succubi on him and Keanu’s pretty much out of the movie for a while.

Creepy Count then goes to England to find Keanu’s fiance, where he then turns into a giant hipster, and seduces her like crazy. Along the way he turns her BFF into a vampire and Dr. Van Helsing, a Cowboy, and Other British Guy, have to try and save the day. They kind of strike out on the first girl but do better later on in the movie.

It’s great. I recommend it. It might be terrible now but I’m willing to take that risk.

Oh, by the way, this is so dead-on.

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