I really don’t want to watch Transformers 4: Age of Extinction

I’m under the impression that you really can’t complain about a movie you haven’t seen. But here’s the thing: I really really don’t want to watch Transformers: Age of Extinction because it looks really really bad. Really. I watched one Transformers movie, haven’t I suffered enough? What more can my country ask of me?

There are subtle indicators

that the movie

is not good.

There is a scene, an actual scene written by someone who got paid to write it, and then filmed by people who go home every night and tell their families that they’re filmmakers, where a guy pulls out a card to prove that he cannot legally be a statutory rapist.

I mean it’s really hard to think that I’ve taken that scene out of context. Because the context, I might point out, is that giant alien robots are fighting in Texas.

Yes, I doubt I’m missing some vital piece of information.

Michael Bay and I go way back. When I was young, and a chump (I liked Frank Miller if you need to understand how much of a chump I was) I liked Michael Bay.

Oh wait, I found another review by one of my favorite film critics. I’ll read it after I’m done with this blog post.

I watched The Rock and Bad Boys 2 and Armageddon and you know what, looking back there is some really messed up stuff in those movies. At the very least, I remember some creepy Dad-Love in Armageddon but whatever. Michael Bay kind of sucks.

But what about…

Watch it to the end, it’s relevant.

But what about the millions of dollars that he makes every time he makes a terrible Transformers movie? Beats me.

Do you understand how hard you have to work to make me not want to watch a movie about alien robots fighting in Texas? Do you understand how this goes against everything in my nature? Do you know how dearly I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and buy an Optimus Prime doll? I can buy an Optimus Prime doll right now but I won’t, because I wanted one back then, Dad.

Anyway, on a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, Michael Bay sits on a throne of blood. That’s not really meant to mean anything, I just felt like referencing Ghostbusters 2.

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